27th of May 2022
Sorry, for missing. Have not written anything for almost a month now. Too busy settled up things. Celebrating Eid. Transferring school. Attending open houses. Let myself busy. I went out with him last Wednesday. I guess, he is too comfortable with me. He cut his hair, same like the one that I fell in love 10 years ago. With shirt, track-suit and a pair of slipper. Keeping his car key in my bag, holding my things, touching my arms for a split second, calling, searching me in the mall, wanting to sit next to me while eating, saying sweet things, joking around, sharing drinks with me, looking at my phone, asking me to accompany him to his car, I'm happy. Little things do make me happy. But he likes Sushi King. And it reminded me of my past. My tragic past.
I'm having a severe trust issues with humans. Especially when they say that, they saw a spark in me. Say that they fell in love with me. Since I was a little kid, there are several people that came up to me, said that they liked me. And none of them, really meant it. The one that held my hand when we are crossing the road, is the one that pretended not to know me at university. The one that said I'm prettier than my sister, is the one that distanced himself to talk to me. The one that asked me to watch a movie together in front of my class, is the one that forgets about his invitation. The one that liked me from far, is the one that left me to meet his Creator (Al-Fatihah). The one that printed my name on his jersey, is the one that deleted my name on his phone. The one that planned his future with me, is the one that got married first. The one that stalked me to my house and posted a picture of me, is the one that fell in love with my best friend. The one that always sang a song to me, is the one that traumatized by me. The one that adored my weird philosophy of life, is the one that drew the line first. The one that said I am pretty in Baju Kurung, is the one that cannot handle long distance relationship. The one that loved my poems, is the one that returned my letters without knocking my door. The one that always opens the door for me, is the one that vanished without saying goodbye to me. The one that loved my confidence, is the one that accused me for giving him hope. The one that smiled, watching me deliver my speech, is the one that mad at me when I made a mistake. The one that always free his time for me, is the one that still, afraid of his feeling.
I'm not falling in love with them. Maybe one. In silence. Most of the time, all I do, was rejecting them. Because that is how I defending myself. That is just "Monkey Love". None of them lasts forever. But, it is funny, watching how fast they moved on. How come, they can fall in love and fall out of love in a blink of an eye? That is why, I am having quite a problem in believing when someone comes up to me, confess that he fall in love with me. Because look, I have a bunch of example why that feeling might be for a while only. I don't know, what is wrong with me this morning. Nothing is happening, but right now I feel like it is hard to breathe properly. Scratching my hands, my legs, my neck, biting my fingers, pinching my ears, my legs cannot stop moving, and my stomach does not behave properly lately. My body never fails to confuse me.