23rd of April 2022
My cat died, two days ago. We all thought that she was pregnant. But actually, she was sick. The stupidity of us, making it too late to save her. When we realized she is not pregnant, she already on the critical state. My mom said that she was crying on that morning. It must be too much pain for her to handle at that time. And I choose to not be beside her, deliberately. Because I cannot stand watching the thing that I love, in suffer. I choose to protect myself when she needs me. I have never been nice to her. Every time she climbed up my bed, I picked her up, put her outside of my room. Little that I know that I don't have much time with her. Little. Did. I. Know.
Today is your birthday. It is still fresh in my mind, the day that I am trying my best to choose the perfect gift to you. Chocolate is it? Still trying to move on from your cloud. Still trying my best in holding my umbrella, avoiding every rain drops from you sky. Trying my best to be happy under someone's else cloud. Trying my best for not looking at your cloud anymore. Trying my best in hoping the best for you. But all that I feel inside, is just enraged. I still cannot accept the fact that, I was hurt by you. Why, why I am being like this? And the most funny thing is, on this day. The day that I hate the most because it is your birthday, is my sister-in-law's birthday. The day that I really, really hate to face it, is the day that I need to be happy. How f*cked up my life is. Now, I need to embrace this day, every year for the rest of my life. Great. I want to open up to someone. And all i can think is him. But if I opened up to him, will we be okay? Or should I just keep it inside? Because I don't want to risk our relationship. But to be honest, I'm suffocating. I really want to tell someone how much I hate this day. And he is my safe person, can he handle it? I don't know.
I want to tell him, how terrible my day for today. But he seems to be so happy today. He double texted me this morning. Just to share some new emojis in WhatsApp. He poured me some nice words when he knows nothing of how much I need it from him. How could I ruin his day with my problem? Especially when that problem related to my old love. The one that is ruining our relationship before. And tonight, you told me that you are tired. I cannot be selfish. I cannot ask you to accompany me tonight, comforting me while I'm handling some inner issues myself. Not when that issue is because of my old love that still traumatize me. Not when that issue will make you hurt too. But one thing for sure, I have already moved on from him. Saying his name does not give any butterfly thing in me anymore. It is you. Now, it is you. I love you.