11th of April 2022
I woke up on time this morning. Just heat up the rice and took a short shower. Then, I cleaned up the cat's poo, set up the table without touching any food. My mom just cooked the fried egg for me because today main dish is prawn, again. I'm not having a mood to hype up the situation. So, we just ate in silence. My mom asked me if anything is wrong with me. I'm just saying that I'm having a headache. Half right, half wrong. The truth is, I'm having a bad mood because of you. I'm just cannot digest. Why you can hang me up for the whole day, yesterday? I thought that you might comfort me. But then, when I opened the WhatsApp, there is no text from you. Did I really do something terrible to you?
I was having a really hard thought yesterday. About how to resolve this matter between us. I don't know. We are not fighting, right? It is just me that asking the wrong question at the wrong time, right? Did it really hurt your feeling? Did I really touch the un-comfortable part about you? Did you really mad at me? I'm confused. I'm overthinking right now. Do the bacterial infection is the one that took your father's life? I don't know. You never give me an explanation. I'm suffocated, trying to discover more about you. Now, how to resolve this misunderstanding? You are having final exams this week and we should support each other during this time. I want to support you, giving you the motivation that you want. But I don't know how to initiate it first. So, I am just being honest with you. I'm having a hard time these days. There is no time for me to take a rest. Even during weekends, I need to work. I'm stressed. Everything messed up. The lab, the house. The only part that can let me breathe is the driving between them. And you. You are my safe person. I need you to comfort me. But, I know that I'm not in the position to ask you this. So, here is my wish. Take care of yourself and your mother. Don't push yourself too hard. And I just love you no matter what.
I'm not lying. Things are hard for me to digest right now. There is nothing that cheers my days. Even waking up every single morning, having the motivation to take a shower is hard to me. There is a constant headache in my head and I think it will blow up soon. I always want to puke something. A gas, maybe? My stomach growling like there is no food in there. Yeah, I lost my appetite lately. Food never attracts me anymore. Has something been wrong with my body? All I want is a long nap without any distraction. But every time I'm trying to sleep, to many scenarios play in my head. All with bad consequences. Making I stayed up all night.