10th of April 2022
I thought they would come earlier yesterday. I thought that we would be breaking the fast together last night. But when I got back home from the lab around 6 o'clock, there still no traces of them. Then, my mom said that they just left right before iftar because they have got works to do. Well, understandable. So, we decided to wait for them because we are worried about our grandma. At the same time, my brother and his wife went to Shah Alam. There is a festival of Kelantanese food over there. And they also want to but tickets to go to Kelantan this Eid. Long story short, they came back with the tickets and food worth RM56. And my aunt and her family arrived here after midnight.
There is a part of me, that is very stupid and too confident that I loathe more than any part of me. She has always done something that she might think, will benefit me. But at the end, just left a bunch of ashamed of me. And usually, comes to regret after that. Last night, the other self of me which I cannot bring myself to admit that is the same person, asked you. "What is the meaning behind your "Dua Lima" status on your Instagram profile? Because this stupid b*tch thinking it was for her, for her birthday. Little did she knows, it was your age. Leaving the first ashamed event for me. Then, she asked you about the saddest illness, you ever know in your life. You said something like bacterial infections. And the follow up question is the problem. She dared to ask you why. I cannot believe in her anymore. You once said to me that it was a sensitive topic, but this b*tch asking you again. Your short reply, told me that she is upsetting you. I cannot face you at all at that time. Too ashamed, too mad at her. That is why I'm asking for time to mad at her and to forgive herself. Because right now, I just hate everything that happened to me. Just, loathe it.
This week has really worn me out. The lab, the grant, the lecturers, the criticism, the proposal, the appointment, the grandma, the weekend, the fasting, the expectations. Everything attacked me. All in the same week. Too much attacks that I do not even have time to cry. At home, I'm trying to be a good daughter, doing the household, joking around with my parents, helping my siblings, but no one seems to ask my day was. In the lab, I'm surrounded with a bunch of smart people that seem to know what they are doing. That having such a good result for their experiments. While mine, leading to nowhere. The only time I can cry is in between the lab and the house. Yeah, while driving between them. Too short, and my tear is too much to fit into 20 minutes of driving.