18th of March 2022
I'm so mad at myself. I'm so mad to the point that I want to cry. Seems like there are a lot of things in my heart, waiting for me to bust them out. Especially you. You make me enraged. What is wrong with you? Why you are so stupid when it comes to us? I'm just asking one simple question. Are you sure about us? And you broke me with your really, really nice answer. "I'm not sure about us. Let's just put the future in His's Hand". Of course I do. Of course I put my future in Him. But everyone has their own dreams. If you are dreaming of 11A's in SPM, you prayed to God you want it and you fight for it. If you are dreaming to become a pilot, you shared with Him and chased it. And if you want us in the future, you told Him, and put your effort into it. Why is it so hard for you? Why is it so hard for you to ease my heart by saying, "I don't know what the future will bring to us. But right now, I want you in it. I will pray to God to include you in it. Let's work on it together". Because like you, I know the facts that maybe, we may not for each other. I know the fact that maybe, there is someone better for you. I know the fact that maybe, we are just a lesson for each other. And I know it better than you.
Why? Why you still with me if you are unsure with me? Don't people together because they love each other and want them to be part of their life? What is so wrong with us? We are not 15 years old. We are adults, 25 years old. We don't have time to play trials and errors. You are talking about your past, about how they taught you. Making you to be like, this. I get it. The past can traumatize us. They can hold your legs, making you stand in the same position without moving forward. But don't you dare putting me on the same row with the people that hurt you in the past. Even that person is me, 10 years ago. I have changed. I learnt my mistakes. And I get hurt too. Don't you know the heartbreak of being rejected by someone that you loved for 7 years? No, I never been rejected because I never get a chance to confess to him at all. I just watched him get married. How funny is it? When this abusive world, taught me a tremendous lesson when I'm still 22. Such a very young age to get a heartbroken. That is the thing when you are in love with unsure long distance people. They cared about you, listens to you, blinded you with their sweet words, making you wait for them. But you cannot blame them for what they have done to you because at the first place, they never said that they want you. I never hate him for what he has done to me. He once, liked me before. I know it for sure. It is just that, his love has an earlier expiration date than me. His only mistake is that he never told me that his love for me has gone. While my feeling still standing strong. I don't know your past and what it taught you. But it taught me clearly this time. Don't put hope on the thing that is not clear to you. That is not sure whether it will fight for you. Don't waste someone else's time. If your love is gone, confront them. Let them go. And if you love them, fight for it. Make them know, you love them clearly.
I'm not playing with you. I'm deathly serious with you. If you asked me the same thing, whether I'm sure about you or not. Here is my answer. Of course I'm not sure whether we are meant to be together or not. But one thing I'm sure, for now, I want you to be in my future. I know that He has a greater plan for me in my life. But somehow, I'm gonna begging Him to put you into it too. I can live without you. Because I'm a very strong woman. You don't have any power to hold my steps. But I just don't want to. Is it not enough for you? Is whatever feeling that I have shown to you not enough to make you want me too? I'm lacking in everything. I can't cook. I'm perfectionist. I'm sensitive in every situation. I hardly honest with my feelings because I always prioritize others. I tend to run away when I'm in troubles. I always quite when I'm mad, but once I explode, I'm gonna regret everything that I scream before. My head and my heart never agree with each other. My mood swing is too terrible to handle. My mind is broken. And I always hate myself. You still want it? Let me ask you these three questions. You answer it honestly, then we talk. 1. If I tell you the things that I dislike about you, what you're gonna do? 2. Do you really mean every "I love you" you said to me? 3. Are you gonna be okay, if I decided to leave you again because I don't feel like you want me in your future?