19th of March 2022
I'm starting to regret of all the things that happened yesterday. I can't even categorized what kind of conversation we both having last night. Whether it is a serious topic or just some random topic I pick to fight with you because of my insecurities. I just want an answer. It is right, even I cannot give a solid answer whether I'm still gonna love you in the future. It is mysterious. I just want you to be sure about me. I just want to know that every single "I love you" that you throws at me, meaning something. I don't want to blindly trust people again. No, never making the same mistake again. And you are trying your best, arranging your words, calming me. I don't know how long you take to think about it, but I guess, it is a really, really long time. We such a weirdo. I'm, a dramatic one falling for you, the calm one. People gonna say that we will be such a perfect couple, but are we? How long you're gonna stand by my side? Bearing all the storms that I will put you through? Because I'm an overthinker. There are a bunch of question that I want to ask you, but I'm too afraid. I'm afraid that I might cross the line, and you may hate me for that. So, I just kept it inside me. And as all we know, these unanswered questions will be answered by my f*cking damaged brain. This "too intelligent brain" is too pessimistic and realist, so the answer will never be good. And leads to this fight about us every single time. Nothing I can say other than sorry.
There are some days, you just don't want to do anything. Even to get out of your bed. You look up your ceiling, questioning your decisions in life. You open the Instagram, scrolling people's life, wondering why your life never been interesting just like them. You had your shower, look at your mirror, hating your naked body. You are having your coffee on your balcony, watching people socializing, guessing where all your friends go. Listening to the sad songs, repeatedly, drowning in it because how it really described your pathetic life. You just stare at your cats sleeping, jealous on them, since so many people loved them, even though they are ridiculously fat. You are wondering, how and when your life could be this wrong. You just missed your childhood. Where your mom will treat your hurting knee, but not your hurting heart. I know what the world gonna say-so, "Why focusing on the negative sides when you also having too many positive things to take a look into it?". Because I can't, my brain damaged already. I'm smiling, but hell no, there is empty inside. Of course I can faking the most contagious laugh, you have ever heard, but God knows, it is killing me inside. Everybody loves the jokes, not the comedian, right? If I have nothing to present to the world, will I still be accepted? I'm trying my best to fit in because till this time, I never feel like I'm in the right place. In this family, this relationship, this friendship, or even this world. There seems like no place for me. I'm such a waste of space.
I have a couple of good friends of mine. But I'm too ashamed to call them as my best friends because I can't even be honest with them. They know my stories. My first rejection of love. But never seen I'm crying because of it. I'm too shame to admit my first heartbroken to them because I always put him the highest one in my stories. I'm too confidence that he is the one. I compliment him, in every single chance that I have got. But now, he left me, and all that I can do is laugh. How funny, isn't? When your heart was shattered, you should cry about it. Not laugh. Maybe that is why my mind is broken past repair. You try your best to be strong when it is the perfect time to be weak. And now you are being weak when this is the right time to be strong. And whoever that comes into your life, trying to love you, you will be stuck. You will be questioning his feeling. Trying to fight with him because like before, you pretty sure he is gonna leave you too. The past traumatized you. It blinded you with the true love that may comes next. And you may lost the love of your life.