17th of March 2022
It is past noon, and so hot that I cannot even open my eyes. The sun is so bright, and I think it's gonna rain heavily this evening. It has been a week since our first date. That is why you are so excited asking me how am I doing today. You are like a surprised box, I don't know what is inside of it, but I always happy with whatever that you bring in front of me. People always reminded me to take a picture on every little things that make me happy. But I refused to do the same. To be honest, I don't like my pictures being taken. Because obviously, I'm not pretty, my smile is not the thing that I can be proud of. For me, why should we take pictures of them? To keep as memories? Why? So they can leave? Looking at the pictures that full of the memories with someone who is gone is too painful to me. Why I need to keep it? "Everyone has their own bad memories. You cannot filter your memories, leaving the good ones on your brain. Both need to be present. If you are trying to dispose the bad ones, you will dispose the good ones too. That is why you need to take pictures. Whether they gonna hurt you or not, it is another different thing. At least, they give you something, blessings or lessons. At least, they have something on you". Nah, I rather forget everything. Good or bad. The main purpose of my brain system is to stay alive. No matter what road I take. Sorry.
I'm conducting the experiment alone today. I don't even know if I on the right path or not. Just follow my guts. It must be perfect if I can bring you here to accompany me. Gosh, my imagination is too wild. The lab is empty, so I understand if some lecturers were fighting for it. If I can choose, of course I want to change my lab. That lab is a heaven. But the instrument that I'm using right now, is not there. So I need to return back to my faculty and fight with the undergraduate student later. The truth is, I'm starting to lose my confidence with this study. I don't even know my objectives, or where the path leads me anymore. I'm totally lost. Everyday, I come here, I stare at everything that my eyes land on. Trying to find my piece of motivation. It starts to blur. My mind is not here anymore. I'm starting to be slow in everything. Everyone around me are having a great time. Their research is starting to give a good response. Some of them even got to marry while under research. Some of them even can do part time job without feeling guilty about it. And I'm so jealous of them. I even get jealous on everyone for having such a great supervisor. I'm not saying that my supervisor is not good enough. She is nice. She so nice that I feel sorry for her. But every single time I'm stuck in my study, I just don't think she is the best approach. Because she is new to this subject, so am I. I am having a hard time to understand all of this thing. But too ashamed to ask help from someone else. I have the feeling that they gonna be mad at me for not doing some research first, or too lazy to do self learning, or making that look. That "don't you should learn this when you still a degree student?" look. I'm terrified of what my brain tried to tell me. That is why I'm lost. Great job, my brain.
I got mad at little things that I should not be mad about. I know I was wrong for wanting his attention when he is too busy with his study. Therefore, I'm so mad at myself for being mad at him. And because of that, I might do a stupid thing to make him jealous. I think a make a mistake. I'm just asking the one that may have a crush on me to accompany me. I need someone to accompany me because I need to go to UKM, Bangi. And it is far away from here. I'm scared that I might get lost. Before I'm asking him, I already asked my best friend and my boyfriend. Both of them have their own commitments. And the only choice left is him. Don't say I'm not trying. I'm trying to follow his schedule. But he the one who said that he might get a lot of things on his plate. And when I respected his decisions, he should behave the same too. I may not tell him that I was with him that day because I'm scared it will make us fight. But if I do, my pure attention is to make him jealous only. I have no feeling with that person. But your jealously is a strong reassurance for me. That is why, I'm trying to make you jealous. Nah, never mind. I'm not telling you anything. We are not gonna fight about this He is my best friend. And I let you know about him. I don't have secret to you. I love you and that is the only thing that matter in this relationship.