16th of March 2022
Again, I'm writing this post early on the noon. I have got no work to do. I went to the lab early in the morning, but it is weird. It is past 09.00am already, but no one there. Then, someone came in and notified me, the person that I have met yesterday is positive with Covid-19. Freak out? Of course I'm freaking out. I was with her for the whole afternoon. I called my supervisor, telling her about my concerns. Yes, she is freaking out too. But guess what, she wants me to cover my mouth and continue my research as usual. Just buy a few bottles of disinfectant, spray it around the lab, wait for a few minutes, and just do the study. Yeah, I know that the possibility for me to be infected too is low, but never zero. Moreover, I need to use the same room that she used the whole day yesterday. At least, let the professional ones to do their job and sanitize the lab first. Well, I'm just a student and she is my supervisor. So, I followed her lead, bought some disinfectant things at the supermarket and returned back to the lab. Just to find out the lab being locked by the staff for immediate sanitizing process. I called her again and she still chooses not to give up. I understand, she has a very good intention. To make sure I work smoothly through the plan. But when it comes to Covid-19. It is better to take a step back.
This is the first day in these two weeks, I got to leave early. And all I want to do is sleep all day. It has been a while since I got a very nice sleep. I'm too exhausted mentally and physically. You know, when you are the only one that think too far that no one cannot understand why you make that decision? Why you left everyone, your classmates, your colleagues, your lab partners, your first love? Why you always do everything by yourself? Why you choose to sacrifice yourself? Do everyone that you know is a bad person? No. Then, why you cannot trust them? Because if I trusted them, I give them the power to destroy me. That is why, some people said that not everyone that we loved, we trusted. But everyone we trusted, is the ones that we loved. Because you only hurt, when you trusted them not to hurt you and they do hurt you. Betrayal of friends, I have tasted it. Don't even know where you went wrong, but they just hate you anyways. They lied to your face, saying we are friends, but their actions meant differed. They exposed your secrets in public, they sided the ones that, do you wrong. They talked bad about you behind you, they used you, they manipulate you, they traumatize you. Some people said, they are doing that because they are jealous of you. Jealous of how successful, happy and talkative you are. Why they don't see my other weaknesses? I have a speech defect, I cannot pronounce "S" correctly. I'm ugly, there is a scar on my face. I'm not skinny, I hate exercise. My family is not rich, so I cannot follow the trend. I'm perfectionist, that is why I'm always stressed. You have no idea about what am I thinking when I see myself in the mirror. Not a single day passed by that I don't hate myself. Don't be jealous of me. There is nothing in me that you can adored with. Believe me.
I'm not saying that friend is useless. You need a friend. That sincerely happy for you when you are happy, correct you when you are wrong and stand by your side when you are lost. Sincere is not something you can see in time. It takes time, slowly, but worth it. It takes more than ten years to find my true friends. It is not weird if you still did not find yours yet. You can have your ex-wife, ex-husband, ex-boyfriend and even ex-girlfriend. But have you ever heard of an ex - friend? I guess you have not heard of it, right? Because it is painful. Losing a friend is painful. You not only lost a friend, you lost a family member. They know your story, your up and downs, even your biggest secret and still choose to stick to you. Appreciate them. We never know when will be our last breath. Because the worst part in missing someone, is not when we don't know if they are missing us too. But when we know, there is no other way to meet them again. I never taste the pain of losing a friend, but I know it will tear me up, rip me apart and change my life completely.