15th of March 2022
It is quite late because I'm too busy today. Sent my mom to the hospital. Getting a honk from other car due to my mistake. My mom having an appointment with anesthesiologist at Hospital Besar Tengku Ampuan Rahimah. She was supposed to get a surgery to remove all of her uterus organs since the f*cking tumors came back stronger. But the surgery got cancelled. They said that if the surgery still conducted, my mom will be in danger since my mom already taking two surgeries for the same illness before. There is a high possibility that this surgery may damage her intestine. So, they decided to give her the hormone pills, hoping the tumors miraculously shrink and gone. I respected the hospital's decision, but thinking the effect every time my mom bearing the pain every single month, make me scared. I hate when people are sick, I hate when they complain to me they are in pain and I cannot do anything to help them. But she is my mom. I'm worried about my behavior every time she tells me she's in pain. I'm worried that I might be rude to her. I'm scared of myself.
The result of boarding school admission is out and my sister doesn't get it. I don't know if I should be happy about it or not. If she also left the house, I don't know how to handle this household. My mom does not get the surgery, so obviously she will be working again. Guess, I will be the one who is gonna prepare the food early in the morning. My dad, maybe taking overtime work since it will be Eid season and new model should be out. My grandma, she will be left alone and I can't do that. Anything can happen in that house and I'm scared that I will not be there when all of that things happened. I want to send her back to my hometown. But I'm afraid they will say that I don't want to take care of my grandma. I can't let them hate me. Overthinking? Of course I'm overthinking. I should think of all the risk before that thing happens, so I can be prepared for it. God, I really want to scream right now. But because of you, I calm. Thanks, dear. For listening and bearing my behavior. I think, that is all we need. Someone to go to, whenever you are messed up. Someone that will always by your side and never judges your choice. Because they know exactly the reason behind it. Someone that always tries to free their schedule, whenever you want their help. Someone that always gives you reassurances and the calmest words you have ever heard. Someone that you can rant and vent about how abusive the world to you and still be the most beautiful things the world ever gives to you. And you are my someone. Thank you for always being there for me.
I always worry about the future. No matter how many motivational quotes I have read, it still kills me. Today, I'm worried about the meeting with my co-supervisor. I don't know, I'm scared. I did not do anything wrong, but somehow it feels like she is mad at me. Turns out, she just wants to teach me about the analysis that I'm not good about it. What we have read on the internet is right. Worrying about the future only takes the happiness in the present. You waste your time. Things will happen if they need to be happening and you can't do anything about that. The lecturer may be mad at you, it maybe a bad day. Not a bad life. You accept it and move on. If you feel the world is unfair towards you, run to your safe haven and let it out. I guess that is the important part. You go to your person, and they will heal you. They got power, whenever you are stressed, their words, their smiles and even their presence will calm you. You catch me. I fall in love too deeply with him, right? It is true. Things may not be the same if we are not together. So, let me spend time with you so that I will not regret anything, even after you left me. I hope you are not.