Monday, 14th of March 2022
I'm writing this post early in the morning because I really mad at him. He left me on the evening (yesterday) when he has absolutely nothing to do and he cannot even sleep at night. Why not he comes to me and have a little deeper conversation? Or play some games, even Plato? Of course I'm mad, I miss him. And I cannot throw a tantrum because he knows it. He knows that when he apologized, I need to be fine. I need to be a matured girlfriend, at least he comes back. I could not ask for more. Not even when I'm also doing the exact same thing to him before. But sometimes, I want to be spoiled. Yeah, this is the main reason why I refuse to be in love. I become a spoiled little child that may not get enough attention from the society. Oh, I hate myself. But he is the only person that I can be myself without being judged. He is my safe haven. And I cannot stay mad at him.
Let's be professional, dear. We both have our own commitment and we are not married yet. You are not fully mine and I have no right to be mad at you at all. I'm sorry for my childish behavior, dear. Like a child, I just want your attention. But I guess, I cannot be selfish in this relationship. Like what the world always reminded me, if we truly love someone, we need to let them free. If they come back, they are yours. So, this is my way of loving. I set you free. I'm not gonna mad at you for this little shit. But please, at the end of the day, come back to me again. No matter how long you take, of course, I will be mad at first, but it is temporary. My head never listens to my heart. It is anxious, but my heart has a totally different story. And you know it better than anyone else. So, next time, if you dared to keep me waiting again, coax me. Pour me with your classic hopeless romantic lines. Make me fall in love with you again, even after you get me. Cherish my presence and I will do the same or even more than that to you. Do not be like stereotype guy that stop appreciating when he get what he wants. You are different than them, sweetheart. Maybe the saying is right. First, we are gonna treat people, the way we want to be treated. But then, we treated them the same way they treated us. I'm cold to everyone, but not you. Don't make me treat you the same way I treated the world.
My sister's company was on fire. So, she's on holiday mood. The house is quite again since both of my married siblings get out of the house. Things might get different and you cannot do anything about it. Accepting the things have changed is the hard part of living. You come back home, but no one to joke around. Thinking of it, make me cry. How fast time flies? Why I did not feel enough? Seems like it was yesterday I'm taking my siblings to the college. I have no one else other than my family. When they are gone, some part of me missing too. They are not dying, but I lost myself. I don't want to come back home for now because part of me still searching for them around the house. I'm suck as a good sister, and maybe they do hate me a little bit. But that is family, right? No matter how disappointed you are with them, you cannot un-love them. Maybe this is the time that I should let them go. I'm not their problem solver anymore.