Sunday, 13th of March 2022
I'm not going out today, just lay on the bed doing nothing. Maybe that is why I miss you more today. But you seem so busy and I tried my best to understand your situation. And I remembered that, when we were out, you never let go of your phone. So why you f*cking late in replying my texts? Am I really a boring person to you? Not gonna starting a fight with you about the same matter. I'm tired of this. Let's just play with whatever acts you perform for me. At least, you're mine, are you? I hope so. You let me know about your feeling quite often, and I loved it. It does not feel like our last relationship, where I'm the only human dating a robot that does not know to pour his feelings. At least in this relationship, the love feels alive, for me. You are changed, in a good way. You listen to our problems, that tore us apart before. And you make an effort for it even though it is hard for you since you never share your feelings with someone else. You make me feel special. Thank you.
You told me about your cousin's wedding. It scared the hell out of me. Marrying someone else's husband really terrified me. I know, we cannot pick whose we are going to love, but if the love will destroy other's happiness, it should be illegal. No matter how pure and innocent the love is, it is not the right step to steal someone's dad, someone's husband or even someone's son. I am a woman. Even though I have not tasted how painful it feels when the love of our life being taken, I'm pretty sure, the life after that, never going to be the same anymore. That is why I always prayed, if I have even the slightest love to someone that cannot be mined at that time, give me strength to move on. I cannot do the thing that can be back to me cause like I said before, karma's a b*tch. And why should I accept a married man into my life. He has already chosen to cheat on his wife, he also can choose the same decision for me. That scared the hell out of me too. God, how am I gonna live when I'm destroying some woman's world because of my selfishness in love. Avoid me from all of the conflict. But you, the greatest poem in my life, you never been married yet, right? I know you still the virgin gentleman and you are mine. I hope it will last forever.
Today is a full house. My married brother and sister are here, including their spouses. And I tried to fit it, making jokes, but on the inside, I felt lonely again. It is not like I want to get married, the truth is, I'm not ready about marriage. But when I saw them, I feel hatred. Because I loathe changes. They are taking my siblings out of my house. I don't even know them, are they gonna hurt my family? Are they sincerely loving my family? Are they having any bad intentions to my family? Too many questions, but no answer. I don't want to be the toxic parasite in this family gathering. So I chose to lock myself in this room, opened up to this blog. Socializing with these new strangers really drained my energy. Both of my brother and sister in laws scared of me and I think, that is a good thing. When they are scared of me, they would not dare to do something stupid that can hurt my family. And maybe, that is the best defense I can put up to take care of my family.