21st of March 2022
The sun has been too brightly lately, the weather is too hot. Last night, I was having a slight fever. Too dizzy to eat anything. So I decided to sleep early last night. I thought you were too, since you are gonna having a busy day tomorrow. But late in the night, you are texting me, "I'm happy to have you in my life". I read it as the first thing in the morning. Melt? Of course, I'm f*cking melting over it. You know everything. You know how hard I'm trying to make you laugh again with my family's stories. And you sent me this reassurance thing to appreciate me. You know what will make it better? If you are here. If you are saying it in front of my face. Things were hard yesterday. All of them were here having dinner. My whole family. But I feel left out. That is why I refused to eat with them and using headache as excuses. I was okay after I consumed a pill of Panadol. I just don't have any motivation to eat with them. I don't hate them. But I still can't get used to this new environment. Last year, they are strangers and tonight, they are family members. Calling me "Kak" still make me disgusted.
I'm having a light argument with my mom the other night. I'm telling her that you want to get married before 30, while I'm not ready to be married at all. "What are you waiting for?". There are too many things that I would like to settle first. My studies, my sister, my financial, myself. There are too many things on my plate right now. And none of them seems to be settled any time soon. I might be done with my research when I reached 26 years old. Then I need to stand on my feet and build my career. It might be hard since I may enter into the industry in the late twenties. I'm freaking worried about it, but let's just put hope in Him. The other thing that I worried is my family's future. Who's gonna take care of my parents if I left the house too? Whose gonna drive them out, buy groceries, run the household after me? I'm their oldest daughter. The little things like this keep me up all night. I'm not ready to let go of my responsibilities. I have been weighing this burden for a very long time. Take care of my siblings, parents, and even my cats. If I need to let go all of these responsibilities, I might lose myself. People might say, why so stress? You should be happy since your burdens might get a little bit lighter. Easy to say, but never been there, right? Once you have been the oldest one, forever you will be the oldest one. The one that your family members go first if anything happens. The problem solver. Leaving them, scared the hell out of you. I don't know if you ever understand this side of my stories. But I hope you do since you also the only child in your family. The future of us is still foggy, but in this present, I happy. It is you that walking side by side with me. Supporting me and help me in making decisions too. Thank you.
Too hectic today. I need to go back home and bring my grandma for the clinic's appointment. Then I need to head back to my lab to finish my deposition steps. Still in dilemma. Should I return back to the lab, or just do it tomorrow? But the thing is, tomorrow I need to drive my sister to her school at Bidor, Perak. It might be tiring if I go to the lab tomorrow after back from Perak. Gosh, too many events. Even I'm not pretty sure if I got any time to have my lunch today. But I really hope that my car is perfectly okay. Because another weird thing happened again. The airbag's lamp lights up. I'm too shy to go to the workshop. But I also too scare if anything happens to my car. You might be really busy today. Do you have time to hear my day? I don't want to annoy you. So, I'm gonna tell you about my day if you are asking about it. We just reconcile our previous fight. I'm not gonna waste it with another fight. But it is true, the more you fight, the more you understand each other. The more effort you put into yourself to be better for them. You change because of them.