23rd of March 2022
I wake up several times this morning before 06.00am. It is too hot and I was sweating like hell. Then around 07.00am, I conducted myself test for Covid-19. Turns out that I'm still negative. It is a relieved but at the same time, deep in my heart, I really want to taste a bit of it. You still busy for today. I don't know if you want to make me feel how you felt when I left you for two days or you just having an early class today. I just hope the best for you. I always feel that you don't have time for me, and if I'm begging for your time, look like I'm too desperate for it. I can't lower my pride any longer. I can't annoy and disturb you. Not when you are still not mine. I'm not mad at you at all. You are going to have final exam next month. So, you need to push yourself harder and I don't have any intention to become your obstacle in this path. Good luck for your study and please come back to me at the end of the day. Tell me, how is your day, your good/bad news, anything that you can't even tell anyone else. Reassurance me so I don't feel like I was ignored by you. Have a nice day ahead.
I guess, we can't never delete someone permanently in our life, no matter how bad them to us. A month from now, is your birthday. But I can't be the one that can wish you anymore. We are not meant to be, and you are in someone else's arms now. Be happy, sincerely. No matter where you are, how you have been, please don't be sorry for me. It makes me look pathetic. And please, don't ever greet me when we are running into each other on the street. Even when you see me with someone else. Let just be the perfect strangers again. I will cross the street to avoid you. Trust me. I have been moved on from you already. Just don't disturb my performance. Don't ask to be friends again when I removed you from my life. You are the black chapter in my book. My greatest regret. But in our story, the one who should be blamed is me. I'm too confident in waiting when you never said to me, you are fighting for me. I'm the one that wasting my own time in love. And I'm the one that traumatized my own self, making me having a serious trust issues when it comes to love. Maybe that is how God is trying to teach me about humans. Their feelings will never last forever. It is true, I'm scared of having a long distance relationship because of you. Because you have changed when you are far from me. And I'm scared the thing will end the same with him. The past is a real b*tch. It makes both of your present and future choices in suffers. My brain too. It can't remember names. But when it comes to love, the memories have been perfectly stored for years. But I'm good now. I'm not gonna cry when I hear your name. Not gonna feel any heartbroken, frustrated and mad with my decision anymore. I'm just ashamed of myself on how confident I was before. That's all.
I know your class schedule. I know you are free this afternoon, but where are you? I just tell you that I'm having a free time for today. It is my language that I want to talk to you all day. I miss you. But I guess, men will always be men. Never understand our secret language. I'm trying my best to not be mad whenever you are late replying my texts. Please, understand me. Tell me what are your problems that are making you too busy to talk to me. People say, if we love someone, we will try our best to make time for them. But I was not so sure about you. Are you freeing your time to text me or are you just texting me in your free time? I'm not thinking bad of you, but you always lead me to that kind of thoughts. I always calm myself that you have your own life, your own commitments. You are pursuing your degree and it is hard. You need to take care of your mom and you love to sleep. You are not doing nothing bad behind me and I should be grateful for that. So please, do not waste my time for you. I'm tired running in the same cycle, repeating the same ending anymore.