29th of March 2022
My friend really cannot read the map. We lost a few times today. We went to the UKM using multiple highways. Started with KESAS, then ELITE, entered SKVE and back to the PLUS again before we finally saw the gate of UKM. And in the university, we almost lost again. Google map gave us the shortcut pathway. We just drove in the middle of the forest, located in the middle of the university itself. UKM is so wide. I cannot believe it. And then, I met Syaddad. My junior during degree. We have a short sharing session before he leads me to have lunch at one the his favorite cafe in the university. Well, all of us don't even have a nice breakfast at all. The food quite cheap. At least cheaper than my place. Then using a different route (NPE and Federal highway), we went back to my university. Put the morphine into freezer and straight to home. Tired but I am happy. New experience. And of course I want to go there again.
You have not replied to my texts last night. It really seems like you are disappointed in me. My urge to see you getting jealous over other men finally back to me. To be honest, I am happy that you are jealous but this uneasy feeling keeps chasing me. I'm scared that you may think that I were like before. Play with everyone's hearts. I don't have any feeling for him. Since I know him, his place always in my friend zone area. He is a nice friend. But you are a nice boyfriend material. All of my friends during my degree always say that we are compatible with each other. That we are a great couple. Some of them called me as mom and him as dad. Of course it bothers me, I know that they are joking about it. But deep down, I always scare that it might be true. That he may have some feeling towards me. I cannot deny that he always here whenever I need help. And for today, he willing to take annual leave just to go to the UKM with me. He gave me the excuses such as he never takes any AL before, he just wants to meet Syaddad, and he wants to go out after quarantine. But who knows the real reason is? He started to make me feel uncomfortable. He asks me about you. He cannot believe that I went to your house or I even already went out with you before. What is so weird about it? Do I really look like I'm joking about my relationship? I don't know. We cannot read what is on other people's minds. What I know for sure, I will do anything to avoid him after this. He did nothing wrong, but I'm scared that I will be the ones that doing the wrong things to both of them. I'm sorry. If I have got to choose, I'm gonna choose him. My favorite human.
Syaddad opened up to me. He admitted that he always feels that he wants to give up on his study. It feels like the project getting nowhere at all. His supervisor started to ignore him and he too scare to ask help from my supervisor. He has no one around him to share his concerns. So when I'm here, he shares everything. I understand him. I once feel like it too. No, I still feel the same things. Give up? Every single day. I don't even know what am I doing right now. Trying to be better, maybe? But to be honest, I really want to quit. The real reason why I'm still hanging here is because of my supervisor. She is so nice. I cannot break her heart. Not now, I guess. Being in the lab already choking me. With my co-supervisors that always make me feel uneasy about them, and my lab partners that having great knowledge in this field, lowering my self esteem. Kill the inner side of me slowly.