28th of March 2022
I'm not going to the university today. First, I'm afraid that I may get the virus from the lab, since I need to go to the UKM tomorrow. And second, I'm quite lazy because today is the first day that the degree students having their classes. It may get crowded. And I hate it. This morning, I took Wani to the clinic to perform RTK test on her. She is having fever for three days, and my mom was worried about it. Turns out, she is negative and just having a common fever only. Then, I went to the 24 hour laundry, bringing the bed sheets since my beautiful cats peeing on it. The weather is still hot for today. Does not have any signs to be rain anytime soon. My friend called me, asking me to be their research assistance. I can't, since I already am a research assistant for someone else. Maybe that is for the best, I cannot work with his supervisor. It is too scary for me. I cannot live with that.
I always think about something weird. Today, I am thinking about the saddest disease that anybody has experience about it. People may say the saddest disease are cancer and depression. But for me, these are not the saddest diseases. At least, they remember you and they can do everything by themselves. The saddest disease for me are Alzheimer's disease and motor neuron disease. Of course, every disease has their own sad things. Everything that linked to the death was never nice to anyone. But thinking about Alzheimer's disease, really terrified me. Slowly forget how to brush your teeth, how to wear your clothes, how to walk, even how to speak. But the most despairing thing about it is you may forget everyone that means the whole world for you. I can't even imagine the feeling, when the one that you will sacrifice your life with, will forget about you. They are here with you, but they don't know you. They do not reject your love, they just love you because you are the one that tell them that they should love you. You gonna feel like you force them to love you. Is it the sad thing? Motor neuron disease is the same. The difference is you are not slowly forget how to do things, you are just slowly do not have the capability to do things. You know how to brush your teeth, but your hands are weak. You know how to wear clothes, but your body dysfunction. You know how to walk, even run, but your legs always cramp. You know how to speak, but you just have slurred speech. Pitiful, right? You cannot do anything by yourself. It is such a pathetic life. Watching yourself becoming a burden to everyone around you. See the love of your life crying, thinking of you. But you cannot hand them a single handkerchief to wipe their tears. It will tear you up, rip your heart apart. Yes, these diseases will forever terrify me.
We fight again, today. You asked me about who will go with me to UKM tomorrow. And when the stupidity of me mentioned about him, you changed. I cannot blame you. Because if I were you, I will do the same thing. Then, you said that, "unless I'm not your boyfriend anymore". You threaten me. I'm asking for a solution, but you leave me hanging. How should I release this knot between us? Show me how, and I will do it. Just say that I should refuse his offer, and I will do it. I can create my own reason or excuse to avoid him. But you always be like this. When something happened between us, a little storm, you tend to run away. I cannot think properly. That is why I'm asking you. I know it was my fault. I'm mad at you at that time. So, I made a regretful decision. I thought he would say no to me since he has work to do, but I don't know that he could use his annual leave to go there with me too. I'm sorry. I will do something about it. I will try my best to fix it.