25th of March 2022
It was such a terrible time last night. I'm having an allergy reaction again. Too uncomfortable. My watery eyes, my running nose, the fluid, everything. Do I really allergic to the shrimp? Even though last night I did not touch any of it, but I still tasted their sauce "tempoyak". I can get better by consuming the anti-histamine but the best thing is not having to consume anything at all. Being the perfectly healthy human being. Repeatedly sneezing is hard. People gonna look at you like you are bringing the flu. Having runny nose is tedious. Sometimes, in public area, you just forgot to bring your own tissues. Then you need to run to the toilet every single time just to dispose the fluid in it. And something if you don't have any choices left, you have just done it in a dirty way, wipe using your own clothes. Gross, right? That is why I always in the bad mood every time I'm having an allergic reaction. Cause nothing can help me except the medicines. I'm scared that I might get too addicted to it since it may help you to sleep peacefully. Addicted to the misuse of medicines.
I tried my best to be a really, really cool girlfriend. But I can't. Every time I'm talking to you, I can't help but being jealous of the woman before me. That ever received the same affection of you, like what I'm getting right now. Who is she? How did you know her? How long you fall in love with her? Which one of you that confessed first? Who is leaving who? Did you still friend with her? Do you still care about her life right now? How she hurt you? Did she remind you of me? I can't help. I really want to know about her. I want to know how she shakes your heart to fall in love again after me? And why you scared of falling in love again after you have been with her? Does her presence really affect your life? Why the trauma still here when she is already gone for good? Too many things I want to know it from you. But you always stop me in the middle of my sentences. You may think it is your language to say that I should not be worried about her. But it is not. I'm still insecure. We are getting back because I once, was your ex-girlfriend. And she was your ex too. Things can happen again. Because I'm scared that if she asked you to get back, I'm terrified that you may choose her instead of me. I'm scared that she far more worthy to you than me. And your family loves her more than me. You assure me that she is not gonna comes back. But people change. And sometimes, for better. I can't be your second choice. Not when you are my first.
Do I really make a good decision? Does my choice to ask my male best friend to accompany me to Bangi is a good decision? I started to question myself. Do I scare to go there alone? I don't think so. But why do I need someone else? And more importantly, why it need to be him? I think the main reason is because I just want to make you jealous. But I think this is a mistake. I should not do that. I should not play with someone else to get your attention. I'm gonna hurt both of them. I'm not sure about my friend. Everyone says that he likes me. But the thing is, he never confessed to me at all. Even though all his action say the same thing. I need a clarification. I'm not gonna trust my guts anymore. But deep in my heart, I hope that he never says anything like that to me at all. Because thing is gonna be too awkward and the worst, we will never be the same again. I'm not gonna lose you as a friend.