31st of May 2025
My colleagues asked me about my love stories, trying to be a therapist to discover where the flaws of me that I'm still choose to be single. I said that I have been in serious relationship four times. Well, not sure it is quite a lot or not. But then, I said in all of the relationship, three of them was with the same person. Obviously you. They all damn shocked. Hahaha, saying am I serious or just joking with them. Well, we both know it was a true story. One of the said thing that really, I don't know, hurt me? He said, I'm repeating paper. It is kind a great jokes but if it is was a joke why I still remember it till now? Dude, why I keep repeating history with you? Why I keep reading the same novel even I absolutely know the ending is? Why I keep comforting myself that you will be different this time?
God, there must be something wrong with me. Because up to this date, I still thinking that you are a very good person. I can't even talked bad about you to my best friend. Either I am too ashamed to let them know that I am repeating the same paper of I just don't want them to hate you. Because, obviously, I definitely can't hate you. How messed up I am. I even too scared to breathe the same air with you. Too afraid to drive through your city. Too terrified to go to every place that we date. Too trauma to eat at the same restaurant we ate. Even too horrified to do all the things that you ever promised to me to do together. After you, I never went to book festival. Never steps on planetarium. Rarely ate laollao yogurt ice cream. Hold my breathe every time I passed sushi shop because I know it is your favorite. I started to love blue because your favorite team is Chelsea. I don't even have a gut to delete your number and still keep the sweet name of yours on it. Even the wallpaper of my phone, still an animated characters of you and me. Creepy, yes. But I never disturb you anymore, I guess.
You changed me. Closed every door that left in me. No one ever know how depressed I am after you. The sound of me crying in the car, will forever be the secret between me, the car, God and the rider that saw me? The silence bawl in the middle of the night will forever be untold stories of my pillow and blanket. The fact that I never blaming you on this said everything. I never be good enough to anyone. And I hate myself. I hate that when I am putting myself in your position, I do left me too. Hahaha. But don't worry. Like I said multiple times before, I will never ever ever hate you. So, I will not praying bad things to you. Be happy. Wish your mom will live a very long long life. Wish you can graduate and got a great job. Wish you can buy that PS that you really want so bad. Wish you can travel to Japan again. Wish you feel enough of yourself. You will always have a place in me.