20th of April 2022
It has been a few days that my mom was sleeping with me in my room. This is because, my sister are taking the master's bedroom. She with Covid-19. And we need to give her the room and comes with bathroom to minimize her movement. To be honest, I am quite glad that my mom are sleeping with me. No more alone night, even not on the same bed. Waking up, knowing that there is someone beside you, is a peaceful feeling. But after my sister done her quarantine, everything will fall back to how it was before. My sister will be sleep in the living room with my parents back in the master's bedroom. And I'm still alone in this big room, but still peaceful, for me. I loved it, truly.
I look up the date for today, it is 20th of April. Meaning that tomorrow is my best friend's birthday. I have not buy any gift for her yet. So, I texted my another best friend. Turns out,she also have not buy any gift yet. So, I suggested for us to buy it together. Because I don not have any idea what gift I should get for her. She planned to get married at the end of this year. I was happy for her, truly. She has been with him for almost a decade. Through ups and downs. Loyal to him, no matter how messed up he is. At first, I quite disagree with her choices. For me, she deserves more. But, who am I to fight with the fate? When I also be with someone that almost the same as the one that she choose. Yes, I do not have a full faith on us. I do not trust we can survive in marriage. I am scared of us, of future, of you. Yes, I want you. I want us. But the fear is more that the desire to be happy. I can live with the fact that I may not be married with anyone at all. But living with the fear that everything might not works after I poured my life in it, is terrified the hell out of me. That is why some people said that, it is better to be married when you are ready and confidence with your partners, even it takes a long time to make it happen. Than, rushing in marry just because everyone around you have someone to rely on and end up you are the one that suffered with your wrong choices.
This week I want to be focus on writing the proposal. I already passed the dateline. So, I need to fasten my routine. So, here I am, in the library. Hoping my motivation will boost up and the idea will come. I asked you a hypothetical question. Will you go out with me for iftar if I am asking you to? With your cold, you answered no. It hurts, no lie. But, I have got to be okay with you. Because that is who you are. I am expecting that "no" answer. But for some reason, I still hope that this time it will be different. That you may be okay with it, even though I have no intention to go out with you during Ramadan season at all. You are so stupid for me right now. But, I cannot be mad at you. Because like I said before, that is who you are. Expressing the love (I guess) in completely different ways than mine.