13th of April 2023
Up till today, I'm still trying my best to move on from you. Trying my best not to care about your days. And trying my best not to tell you everything about my days. It is hard. Restricting myself from reaching out to you when all I have is you. I even sent a bunch of texts about my days to myself (before this was you) since it was my routine. It was my habit. And breaking it means, breaking me too. I thought you are my second person after my failed first love. But my 'assuming' first love was not hurt so much like this. Maybe, that was not a love at all. And maybe, you are my actual first love in my life.
They said, time heals everything. Well, it is been a year now, but I still sitting at a corner of an ice-cream shop where you promised me that we are gonna share our ice-cream together. Time's sucks. I guess, whoever that came up with this statement, never lost someone at all. I miss you. Like really, really miss you. Still imagining things that could have been between us, even there is no way in the future it will happened. Am I too late in realizing your love or are you too immature to adapt this kind of love? Where did I do wrong in this relationship? Am I too private when all you want is showing your love to the world? Is my mental health is a red flag to you? Am I totally different from the girl you fell in love 10 years ago? Or am I not pretty anymore? It seems like all the answers is a yes. I am full of flaws and you cannot handle it. You hate it. I'm not blaming you, I hate myself too. None of us can ask our heart to love someone we want to. The heart will go whenever it wants to go. Your heart wants to leave and my heart want to stay. We cannot do anything about it. But it will be beautiful if you choose to be honest with me, instead of being greedy like a child. We could have end this in a good way. We could have been friends after all of this disaster. Again, you are too immature for it and I see it.
You sent me a text apologizing everything you have done to me. Saying that, you should have been honest to me sooner. Saying that if we ever crossing our paths in the future, I should rejected you in all possible ways. I did not replied at all. Because I'm scared that one of us might be hurt with my words. I'm not mad at you. Even after read those texts, all I want is to comfort you. Saying it is okay. Of course it is hurt. Getting dumped by you. But it is better to be alone by myself than being alone in a relationship when the other person's heart is not mine. I doorslamed you. Blocking you in every part of my life. You can heard about me from my friends, but never from me. That is how I heal myself. By nothing you. I can't hate you, can't even love you. Because that will take a part of my heart. I need to nothing you, so you are not gonna have a space in me. At all.